Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
