I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
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Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
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Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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