I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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