suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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