sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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