im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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