It's Friday. Sex?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
