He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
