take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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