Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
