so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
