Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
