ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm just crazy horny about you
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
