totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Randomize
