I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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