They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
