Who wears a wallet chain?!
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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