if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
