So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
a search helicopter?!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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