It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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