He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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