I got chris browned last night
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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