I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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