Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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