I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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