Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
