Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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