I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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