dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
