He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
