some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
