I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
