Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
