I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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