I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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