Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
from now on my penis is your penis
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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