the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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