new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
