I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
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Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
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I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic