You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
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i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?