he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my being single is dangerous.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.