i can't believe i had my finger in that
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.