saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
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he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
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no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.