The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???