I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!