I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
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We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Im part way to drunk.
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I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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