she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
