I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
