I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
