does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just want nice things and good sex
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Randomize
