you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize