i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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