Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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