Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
