I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
