my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
