I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
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You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize