Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
