standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
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What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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