I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
