Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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