this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
