Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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