I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
