I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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