im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
