I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The uberlube is also flammable
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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