never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
