I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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