I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
